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Beyond Black and White

Searching for the Gray

2/19/05 11:57 pm

Oh Fuck Yes! Meags I love you!

2/17/05 06:12 pm - Big Sis, What the Hell

Okay, anyone who knows my sister or knows about her from me, that she is a 22 year old straight arrow never been kissed kind of girl. She's never gone on a date, never had a boyfriend, nothing like that... until now. There's this guy she met at Ball State, his name is Sean or something, and she has been hanging out with him until like 2:00 in the morning, which for my sis, is a HUGE deal. So now, I'm like all proud of her and stuff and I'm glad she's happy... but I can't help but wonder... WHERE'S MINE????
You know, I'm like not gonna be jealous or anything like that, cus truly, I'm not unhappy or anything, but there is never a time where I find myself thinking, "Wow, I'm glad there is no one special in my life. Yipee!" Given, I have the awesomest of friends and the greatest family, but still.... this is so sucky. I just feel lonely, or like I will be once my sister brings home this guy and I'll be reminded of times with Ian... it wasn't always bad. Grr!
Well, good for her, I mean, I totally am so proud, but c'mon man. You gotta admit, this is gonna be one sucky ass time when my family meets him, I mean the whole fucking family, and everyone looks at me like, what the hell is your deal? Oh well, maybe I'll get a gf and that will shut everybody up... this lesbian moment brought to you by... haha, later days! ~ Max

2/14/05 07:32 pm

I'm nobody without you...buddy
My long lost friend

I love my Meags and my Polish sausage! Happy V-Day to my girls and thanks for... you know, everything.

2/10/05 06:05 pm

Happy Valentines Day!
I know it's early, but I was just at school making those damned acts of love. And I wanted all my friends to know that even if you don't get a Valentine this year (Like that's likely) I LOVE YOU!!! So to my biatches Meags, Val Val, Ka Baby, Those Who Suck Huns and Anne; Much Love! And to my girl, my own Polish sausage; Much Love! And to my selective guy friends, Dan and Patty; Much Love! Okay.. well, you all can consider this your Valentine! Totally kidding, you knows you gettin' one from me! I love you all and Happy V-Day!!!
~ Max aka Samuel

2/3/05 11:03 pm - One Day Down... Friends All Around

Okay, so day one of the play is over... only 2 more to go. It went okay, but frankly, I'm so bored with the whole thing I could possibly care less. But I wanted to say that the reason I have been able to keep my sanity throughout this whole process is because of my friends in and out of the play.
It's weird because I have made so many more friends in my senior year than I think in my whole life.

One of my new bestest friends is Jonesy, or Katherine as most people know her. I never actually met her until this year, and I'm so sad cus she is seriously one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I don't think I've ever fallen in love with someone so fast. (Not in the ghey way of course ;) ) She is one of the only reasons I am surviving this.

One of the other reasons is Jerrell. She is so totally laid back and awesome, and God bless her, she had an asthma attack tonight and still went on stage!!! I love her sooo!!! She tried hard to get me a man, but in the end, I just wanted to be friends with Jerrell, cus seriously, one of the coolest people in the world... no doubt.

Then there's that brat Mandi. I can never decide if I hate or like her, but she is good competition forr bratdom, I think that her having to do her own laundry puts me in the lead. But she's pretty put together, and she's not terribly unpleasant to look at, and looks are so extremely important to me... so Mandi is okay thus far.

And then there are those friends outside of the play, like Meags. For some reason, after never talking to her for three years, the first contact we had over the summer was the best first meeting I've had with any one. We immediately clicked for some reason, and we haven't been separated since. I love her! I'm so glad she lets me tag along on all her adventures, even if she does think her life is boring, I think its tite! She's actually coming to the play... which says a lot about our friendship. My day is not complete without Meags, and neither is my hum drum life.

Val Val... Where to begin. Hated you for most of high school, and then bonded with you when I realized... you're the funniest and funnest bitch I've ever known. You're such a slut, and I love it... secretly of course. Thanks for the text about the play Val Val! It really made my night!

Ka Baby! I've liked you off and on for three years, and finally we're friends for solid! Thanks for telling me you liked the play, even if you didn't mean it, it meant a lot to me considering I hate this play!!! Love you girl!

Then there's Patty, whom I hate at this moment cus I know he didn't come tonight cus he was high off his ass and decided that it wasn't worth it I'm sure... but most of the time I do consider Patty to be one of my best friends... I think that's the nicest thing I've ever said about him. Take that! But really, I am mad he didn't come, but he wouldn't be Patty if he never disappointed me, be it plays, girlfriends, bon fires... whatev.

And ask for the ultimate support... Mel Mel. I could write a book about why I love you so and why my days are brighter when I see you, but that would be ghey. So instead, I'll just say, Baby you are my shining star! I love you so much Mel Mel it hurts! Polish sausage!!!

A special thanks to Those Who Suck Huns for always keeping up with my life in this damn journal. And for serious, get your ass to my house when ever you feel the urge. Your bed is waiting! And I promise it's not next to mine... for now! hahahaha

Dan, Billy, and who ever the hell else supports me in everything, thank you. And if you think you weren't included... drop a comment; I'd love to thank you for loving me!

2/1/05 04:04 pm

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." -Carrie

Yes, I am at home before rehersal watching Sex and the City and I heard this and I liked it. I just thought, wow, that's my new thing. You know, if a guy can't make me feel that 6th grade stomach flip, then I don't think he's worth it. But this goes for friends too. All my friends amaze me in someway, and I love them for it, that's why their MY friends. I mean, why would someone as amazing as me want anything less?
Well, off to Hell. I love you all, and remember, you don't have to flip over him, just make sure your stomach does! hahaha Later Days! ~Max

1/27/05 09:12 pm

Dear God,
I have been a follower of you for what... 18 years? Great job by the way! I love what you have done to my life! This cherry cola color hair was your idea, right? Any who, I just wanted to put in a request for a new man. Now, I know that I have been given the gift of Ian in the past after pining away for him... but I was thinking of a totally new model. And I have my heart set on... a boy in a band aka BIB (Boy in Band). I want him to be grungy, maybe a tad greasy, but by no means zitty. He can totally be into drugs and beer, I've never had a problem with that, but no beer belly, if that's okay with you. And I really would like it if he were taller than me, I know that's rare. And the same rules with the Christmas list: only sensitive when I am... but rough most of the time... all the time, and lots of sex, cus everyone is telling me I need it and I know that it might not be cool with you, but then again what Christian is perfect… (Need I remind you of the whole Satan thing, not to mention the bi-sexual thing, not that that's a sin... anyways) So, that's it. I think that I could have a real winner with this one! I'll be looking forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Max

P.S. Sorry about not going to church... I'm converting to Catholicism in college! I knew that would make you happy!

1/23/05 11:48 am

Well, the hot tub thing never happened... but I can't complain too much, that's just life. But I do know this... I've gained the courage to just go out there and take it. Thanks to all those totally awesome friends (Meags, MEL MEL, Jonesy, Ka Baby, Jonathan, and Chris) who totally boosted my confidence about the way I look. Don't worry, I'm back to totally loving that image in the mirror, I just needed a little encouragement. ;) And ask for my weekend... totally AWESOME! Comedy Sportz rocks my face off, and I totally loved that I was there with the most random and cool of people. Not to mention I'm sooo happy that Meags let me tag along on the photo shoot for that cool band, I wish I knew cooler people like that. I hate LC sometimes, except for those close friends I have within it.

To Meags, I love you so! Thanks for making me come out of my shell in music and so many other things in life, and for letting me really stop caring about the drama and start caring about the stuff that is important to me.
What is that stuff: My writing, my totally awesome family, and my totally awesome friends. Those at the top: Meags (of course, who else?), Mel Mel (Always here, there, and everywhere), Val Val (wouldn't be a fun day without her little schemes), Ka Baby (you always need the pretty one to have a good day and something nice to look at), and Jonesy (I finally met someone younger than me who I take actual life advice from... and use it).

I'm oh so happy, and so ready for college! Mel Mel, get your shit in so we can go shopping for our room! I love you all so very much, seriously, out of all the people I meet, that list up there are the unforgettable. And if you're not up there, chill. It's not that I'll forget you; it's just that I know these guys won't forget me.
Love~ Max

1/20/05 06:17 pm - Failing Narcissism

Okay, so I'm totally having a body image crisis. I know that I am little miss narcissist, but for some reason when I heard I was going to have to jump in a hot tub I just freaked out. Now, I know that all my friends are saying I have nothing to worry about, but then again, they don't have to compete with some gorgeous girl, who apparently is the nicest person ever! Dammit! You would think that being "model size" was awesome, but not when you're competing with someone who is more your crush's size than you are. I haven't felt this insecure about the way I look since... middle school! I don’t know what to do. I can handle trying to make conversation on Friday, but this stuff, this is too much!
Thanks Mel Mel, Meags, and Ka Baby for assuring me there is nothing to worry about. I love you guys! Too bad I can't see what you see right now.
~Max

1/17/05 09:35 pm

I am making a HUGE mistake...
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