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Beyond Black and White

Searching for the Gray

5/30/05 09:42 pm - Bummed at My Friends

So, I was totally bummed after my Open House. Only 6 people came out of the THOUSANDS I invited. Those people were MEL MEL, Allie, Emily, Anne, Kara, and Kalen. I love you girls, thanks so much! And I know Val Val had boo boo work, Billy was at the track, and Dan was with his family, so that's all good too. Some people had an Italy trip, but the rest were either unaccounted for or didn't tell me what was up. After such a HUGE let down, all I could think was that was some naive fool thinking that I had all these friends... and even some of my so called BEST friends didn't come. I'm sure (hoping) there were legitimate reasons, but there's this feeling like I totally asked for this by saying "Fuck all y'all, I don't want to hang out with you after high school." So, remembering this made me sort of feel better about the ordeal, that and Billy's uplifting words and my awesome grad gifts from my folks (diamond, sapphires, and The Sims 2 University, oh my!) But it still sucks, I'm not gonna lie. I wish I was nicer or prettier or something so that I could at least get a CALL saying, "Hey, I totally just don't feel like going to your lame ass Open House, peace." Where I would have replied, "Fuck you! I don't like you anyway." Oh well, Mel's open house was tite, and at least I had Landon's party was totally awesome.
I guess I'm just really pissed at some of my friends, and I don't really feel obligated anymore to hang out with them, not that I did before. Whatever, I'm totally bummed and I really wish my mom had listened to me and not thrown a dumb open house, cus I totally called this happening. Thought I wouldn't care, I did, I guess I'm a bigger baby than I thought. Who cares. My summer motto. At least until I get unbummed. Peace, love, and later days.

5/2/05 09:03 pm - Blah Blah Blah

So I haven't updated in awhile, and there really is no need to now, cus nothing has really happened, but I'm bored and have nothing to do, so I will! Anywho, prom is this weekend and I guess that's tite, except I'm not as pumped as I thought I would be... I really just want to get dressed up and that's it. See, I won't be getting the all too infamous prom "booty" since I'm going with a friend so I really have nothing else to look forward to.
I really think that Val Val's last party was her best and I was glad that I didn't throw up, I was pissed I sobered up for part of it, but REALLY glad I'm learning to hold my liquor. I think that we should really do the End of the World party like in Rules of Attraction. I think it's tite celebrating your last day to live. I mean, wouldn't you get drunk on your last day on earth???
I think I'm really sick of boys and am going to try to get over my fear of lesbians so I can become one, at least for a week during college so I can be seen around campus with a hot lesbian girlfriend, who I will no fool around with most likely, and people can see me and go "Wow, there's a hot lesbian!" But the thing is, there are no real hot lesbians because if you're hot, you don't have to go after women... so this is really just a fantasy in my head, which is fine, cus I can't see myself "eating out" all the time, if you know what I mean...
Well, I really didn't have much to say, just bored. I know that my last days of high school are here, and I just wanted to get in a few more entries before it’s all over. Hopefully I'll have something more pertinent to write about next time. Later Days!

4/3/05 12:19 am

Well, Spring Break is over and now reality is setting back in. I hope I don't fall back into that depression school always puts me in. I'm feeling great about myself and I've really rediscovered the me that I have grown to love. I went through all my old shit and found letters and cards and notes... and I remembered why I love myself cus I had kinda forgotten (Little ol narcissistic me!) So my hair is different. Short, dark, I love it, don't know if anyone else will. I also love my positiveness that I haven't had in awhile, but again, I don't know if anyone else will. Who knows, who cares, I'm really just writing this entry cus I want to remember the way I felt before the bomb of old school drama drops. I'm happy about prom now too, guess I better add that for good measure. I got to see most of the movies I wanted, and I love all of Wes Anderson's shit, what a true genious. Right up there with Quentin, the love of my life. I'm glad I rediscovered everything, and I went to church, which I strangely missed most of all. Well, now I should go to sleep, cus I gotta do the homework I put off for break. I can slowly feel reality kicking back in...

3/21/05 04:42 pm - To the President of the United Bitch Squad:

I'm sorry Val that I neglected my duties as a member of the bitch squad. As one of the co-founders of the squad I should no better than to let the President (and also one of my best friends) down by not looking out for her. I am so grateful to you for letting us use your house in the first place, and then letting us use it when you're not there. You're the best and only President I could ever want. I get drunk with you, happy with you, and I'm always glad you're around. Never again will I be such a fuck head and forget not only my responsibilities as a bitch squad member but as a friend. I care about you, and what's more I respect you and Saturday I didn't show that at all. Thanks for being there for me always, and a thousand apologies for not doing the same. I love you Val Val.

Vise President of United Bitch Squad

3/10/05 04:14 pm - I Love My Polish Sausage

I love life, although I hate school, and probably always will hate school... oh well. That loving life part is still pretty important.

Mel Mel, after seeing you do that dance this morning for Pops, I AM SO GLAD WE'RE ROOMING TOGETHER! Everyone was like Mel is so tite up there! And I was like, that's my roomie! HAHAHA, eat that biatches! I love you Polish sausage! Have fun skipping sportz tonight!

3/8/05 07:27 pm - The Pic Won't Stay Tied...

First of all, Ian texted me this weekend and said "I just thought you wanted the pic, that's all." And that was it. I still love him, and there was a time when he would tell me he still loved me too, and this message from Ian was just so unlike him, really. He is so sweet, and I think because he is into a new girl, just like with Hannah, he's trying to push me away again... which really makes him kind of a jerk. All in all, it broke my heart, I didn't cry or anything, but I can't seem to get the string on the pick to stay tied... But I just wonder would he go through all the trouble of drilling the hole through the pic and then hand delivering it to my mail box if there wasn't some sort of… something there. Who knows, I obviously don't.
Then, there is the fact that it had been a week and that Michael guy didn't call, and he was a nice guy so that means I'm officially out of nice guys, and after praying for it for so long... I wish I had them back. Mean guys have never liked me, even though I adored them, and now nice guys don't see it either. So I have been trying to make amends with some of my old companions which were too nice before and are exactly what I need now. I'm trying to befriend Billy (Lord give me strength) and Mark, which my parents are extremely excited about.
I am so uber frustrated with life.
I don't know, I guess really I'm sorta upset about this Ian thing. I don't know if anyone out there knows what its like to love someone and then have them stop loving you... but it sucks. I guess I did this to Ian first, but I think I've been punished enough. I wish that I would stop trying to find something better and just be comfortable with whom I'm with. If I would do that then I would still be with Ian, and this entry never would have existed. Don't you wish?

3/1/05 09:01 pm - I STILL Miss Ian

No matter how many people I see in a day, no matter how many phone calls I get, no matter how many smiles I give or recieve, no matter how many times I laugh with my friends, no matter how many times the room lights up when I enter...

I hate being a girl because no matter how many wonderful people you have in your life, no matter how many wonderful things you're blessed with, if you don't physically hear or see how much someone loves you, it seems like none of it matters... It just shows ya that you can be pretty, funny, and confident, and at the end of the day you can still feel all alone if you don't have a bf (or bib) to say they love you.

2/27/05 11:06 am - BIBs and The Emerson

Last night was so much fun! I'm really glad Meags wanted to go to The Emerson, cus otherwise I would have never heard of this totally awesome place. All the BIBs blew my mind and there was one point I turned to Meags and said, "I want to make love to everyone on the floor right now." It was so amazing! And then Meags bought me the Remanence CD and she got the whole band to sign it for me! Even Michael, the new love of my life... even though I'm sure he'll never call, at least Meags was patient enough to wait for me to give him my number... thanks. Anyways, the other band I really like is Shadeland and I'm planning on going back on March 26th to hear them play as well. I felt that the lead singer looked specifically at me when he told everyone to come... I could have been imagining it, but I'm coming none the less. I thought that Remanence and Shadeland were the only really good bends, although we didn't stay to see Seven Degrees from Center, sorry Jonesy. But I'll see them on the 26th!!! So, now I'm totally into this whole punk/rock/alternative music thing and I might even dye my hair purple at some point... or blue or something. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH BIBS!!! Now all I have to do is get me one...

2/24/05 03:02 pm - He Must have Fallen in Love...

The guitar pick finally broke... and I really miss Ian...

2/21/05 11:13 am - Happy Fucking Birthday My Meags!

Okay, so Meags party was absolutely sick! I mean seriously, I was like barfing for the last 2 hours I could stand. But I still thoroughly enjoyed myself... at least from what I can remember. I think that's the feeling about this party, I liked what I can remember. As the 7 or 8 of us left this morning reminisced about the night we all discovered how drinking can bring us closer together. Hell, I told the world how I used to have a crush on Ka Freshman year, and Anne has one less enemy, which is an accomplishment for the bitch squad. You know, I really like most people, despite how I act; I really do like a lot of people. I like how even though I was like totally disgusting as a barfed in the front and back yard and in the bathroom, all my friends and people I don't even know made sure I was okay. And Em was with me the whole time... well, so was Logan, but that's more a negative thing.

I smoked with Meags for the 2nd time ever in my life, and then I smoked cigarettes with Joey! (It was a total mother and son bonding moment.) Then of course I got drunk off my ass on Jack and thought it would be a good idea to take some shots of Bacardi. This Alex guy told me the next morning I downed a glass like water... which is probably why it came up like 2 minutes later.

I love my friends so much! They always have my back and I know that this party made us even friendlier. Thanks Val Val for letting us trash your dad's house and then cleaning it up the next morning. I love you girl! Thanks Anne for being our token slut for the evening... and in our daily lives. Thanks Ka for not running the fuck away when I kept telling you I was in love with you. And thanks Meags, for fucking being born, fucking getting me high, fucking falling totally split off your ass, letting me have your blanket when I was finally ready to sleep, being so fucking happy when I walked in the door, and then being the best fucking friend EVER! I LOVE YOU!
I also love Natalie Portman. That brat cracks me the fuck up. She's the only one who would be as fat as me and go to Steak n' Shake at 10:00 in the morning... haha, I love my friends.
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